One Person's Weird is Another Person's Wonderful

A Catalogue From the Freak Show

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program of weekly stories to bring you something a bit different and more than a little wack-a-doo today.

Keep Austin Weird has been the city’s slogan for the past 25 years. During a recent visit, I decided to lean into the vibe with a visit to Uncommon Objects, a funky and famous antique market/curiosity shop. How uncommon are the objects to be found in this one of a kind emporium you ask? I’ll let you be the judge. Speaking of which, I’m not gonna judge you if you fall in love with any of the items here. Except for the cantaloupe baby head. If that’s your jam, I will definitely be giving you side eye from here on out.

The door does not quite do justice to what lies within…

This little guy is dressed to kill and has an axe to grind. Also, he might be on mushrooms because look at those pupils.

Madge. The last guy who touched her muff lost a finger. (Which just might be for sale in this store somewhere.)

Madge’s meeker cousin, Helen. She loves to square dance and has been called quite the hoofer.

Life has not been kind to Teddy. But he’s managed to keep a twinkle in his eye.

Popeye had a little lip filler snafu. And does his left eyebrow have a face?

Nobody puts baby in the corner, but they do apparently put her poor little freakish head in a bowl. Is it eczema? Is she turning into a cantaloupe? Was she unearthed from a crypt? That’s definitely a face only a mother could love.

Because who couldn’t use a heaping bucket of rusty nails?

Ummm…

As if an actual alligator head isn’t quite vomitous enough, please look past it to the treasure just behind. “I know what I want for my birthday! A jar of preserved snakes,” said no one ever except for maybe a serial killer or the creepy guy tripping on mushrooms in the photo above.

This is a palate cleanser after the snakes. You’re welcome.

Is he Red Beard, Hagar the Horrible, or the ultimate Minnesota Vikings fan?

These plastic baby ready-to-suckle masks are strange enough at first glance. The lack of eye holes makes them bizarre, fetishy and perfect for Pin the Tail on the Donkey or Eyes Wide Shut*. (*Look it up if you don’t get the reference.)

This evil clown ashtray is either saying “Come to Daddy” to the cigarettes in his orbit or he’s slithering up from the sewers to murder you in your sleep. He’s made of Murano glass though, so he does have an Italian accent going for him.

This bushy beard trend is really getting out of hand.

I’ve got an old screen door, yarn and some human hair. Wanna do arts and crafts? Also, who in their right mind would let this anywhere near their face?!

I may kinda look like poop coming out of a tree stump, but I’ve been told I have a great personality. Take me home and I’ll stick around like petrified wood despite my wandering eye.

We’re a package deal with a killer offer: Take us home, and we’ll bring our cousin Chucky along for free.

Lest you think there’s nothing “normal” for sale in Uncommon Objects, please know that there are a plethora of more traditional items on offer. If you find yourself in Austin and decide to stop in, please tell Madge and Helen I said hi.