I'm so sorry you were terrorized in this way as a child. And thank you for writing your truth.
My sister and I often say we are lucky to be alive today with all the impulsive things we did when young. Yet nothing horrible ever happened to either of us.
Still, I stay ever vigilante. Don't walk alone at night; leave when things turn ugly; head for home if I spot a man nearby when walking my dog on the beach; not answering the phone if it rings at 3 AM; etc. Personal safety first. At all times. This is the life of all women.....
that instinctive turn of the head to make sure he's keeping on walking away. the ingrained lock the car door immediately that I don't think anyone ever told me to do, but I did, automatically. I hate that our safe places, our havens, get stolen in that way. When a man tried to mug me in front of my apartment, I fought like crazy. Not because I had anything of value to him but because he was taking something I valued. The feeling of safety I got from being in my own neighborhood, on my block. How dare he do that. But he did. And they do. And we keep doing what we do, because otherwise, they win. I love you.
As things stand, men cannot be trusted. As a man it is hard to write this, but I am not in the “not all men” camp. “Assume all men” is the best approach. Maybe it will always be this way - I hope not, but it requires a root and branch shift in education to highlight abuse and bad behaviours. I’m so sorry that woman face this daily.
Powerful piece, Leslie. I remember the note you shared. Most women are more definitely more vulnerable. When I got lost at nine carrying a little suitcase, a carload of teen boys drove by me on a busy street. One of them yelled out, “Are you lost little girl?” And they all laughed. I’ll never forget it. I’d been walking for hours. It was in that moment I realized I needed to find a pay phone.
I am a survivor of multiple assaults and the hyper-vigilance never quite goes away. I'm good at hiding the anxiety so as not to appear 'crazy', but it's that constant, underlying fear you speak of. Have spoken to male friends about what it's like to be a woman in this world and they are sensitive about it but had no idea how different things are for us, beginning in childhood. Thanks for the great post.
Thanks, Lesley. Healing has been a long but wonderful process, and fortunately I've also become efficient at stress management along the way so these things no longer take up so much space in my head and heart 🥰
Leslie, the deer image gives this essay its deepest ache: the body learns danger before it has language for fairness. You take a trail walk, a childhood encounter in the woods, and the small aftershock of passing a man on the path, then show how vigilance steals presence from a place meant to restore it. The question about simply paying attention to the trees carries more than fatigue; it carries the grief of being trained to measure beauty and threat in the same breath. Your piece gives public language to a private calculation many women make so quickly that the world barely sees the cost.
"That would be anywhere a woman has to take inventory of her own safety." That line is the whole thing.
I was maybe ten, walking home from school, two blocks from my house. A car started driving slowly alongside me. I didn't have language for what I was feeling — I just ran to the nearest house and rang the doorbell. Nobody answered. But the car left. I got home as fast as I could.
I never forgot it. You don't forget the first time your body understands something your mind hasn't caught up to yet.
Thanks for talking about this Leslie. You touch on a deeply unsettling truth when you say that women's safety is always up for grabs. I wonder how many women are able to navigate life with nothing ever happening, or at the very least finding themselves in a situation that has the potential to turn bad.
And yet we still need to live our lives, with vigilance as a constant companion.
Leslie, I appreciated this important share. While it's a shame that we do have to be on alert always and can't just take a peaceful walk in the woods alone, it is an early fact of life.
Being NYC born and raised, I'm actually glad I was brought up with a vigilance that is always a part of me. That natural antenna that goes up. We have some lovely paths and preserves around here that I never go in alone.
The even sadder truth is that I don't think it's just women that have to be careful, we all have to be vigilant. It's that kind of world unfortunately.
Yes, another writer described it as our background software that’s always running, and I felt that description in my bones. Thanks for reading—and for providing such a lovely corner of the Substack universe where we can safely share our souls.
I wrote about a similar feeling when I metal detector by myself. I’m sharing the essay with you because I appreciate your piece, and the common ground between the two.
I read your piece, and yes—it is another shade of my own experience—and so many other women’s too. The constant calculations we have to make out in the world become almost subconscious, even to us. Then an encounter out in the woods (or elsewhere in the world) wakes us up to the low level alertness that is always there.
Such a beautifully written piece about an ugly aspect of being a female in this world. I definitely felt the difference between a look and a leer before I understood the difference.
This happens more than we can imagine.
I'm so sorry you were terrorized in this way as a child. And thank you for writing your truth.
My sister and I often say we are lucky to be alive today with all the impulsive things we did when young. Yet nothing horrible ever happened to either of us.
Still, I stay ever vigilante. Don't walk alone at night; leave when things turn ugly; head for home if I spot a man nearby when walking my dog on the beach; not answering the phone if it rings at 3 AM; etc. Personal safety first. At all times. This is the life of all women.....
Yes, we all have our own safety tool kits that help us fear a little less vulnerable. But we never forget how vulnerable we actually are...
that instinctive turn of the head to make sure he's keeping on walking away. the ingrained lock the car door immediately that I don't think anyone ever told me to do, but I did, automatically. I hate that our safe places, our havens, get stolen in that way. When a man tried to mug me in front of my apartment, I fought like crazy. Not because I had anything of value to him but because he was taking something I valued. The feeling of safety I got from being in my own neighborhood, on my block. How dare he do that. But he did. And they do. And we keep doing what we do, because otherwise, they win. I love you.
I would not want to be the mugger that fucked with you, just saying. But I’m so sorry you were fucked with at all. Love you back.
I peed myself.
That’s how much of a tough guy I am.
Totally relatable. Was this recent?
Decades ago. In the east village
I'm sorry this happened to you.....
So very true…why can’t we as women just be as we are and not have to worry about threats in our environment 😑
And I think we all get so used to living this way, we don’t even think about it much until it hits us in the face.
As things stand, men cannot be trusted. As a man it is hard to write this, but I am not in the “not all men” camp. “Assume all men” is the best approach. Maybe it will always be this way - I hope not, but it requires a root and branch shift in education to highlight abuse and bad behaviours. I’m so sorry that woman face this daily.
Thank you for your service!
Powerful piece, Leslie. I remember the note you shared. Most women are more definitely more vulnerable. When I got lost at nine carrying a little suitcase, a carload of teen boys drove by me on a busy street. One of them yelled out, “Are you lost little girl?” And they all laughed. I’ll never forget it. I’d been walking for hours. It was in that moment I realized I needed to find a pay phone.
Yes, I think every woman has her own version of this story. The moment when they realized their safety is always up for grabs.
I am a survivor of multiple assaults and the hyper-vigilance never quite goes away. I'm good at hiding the anxiety so as not to appear 'crazy', but it's that constant, underlying fear you speak of. Have spoken to male friends about what it's like to be a woman in this world and they are sensitive about it but had no idea how different things are for us, beginning in childhood. Thanks for the great post.
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. Constant vigilance on top of trauma is a very heavy burden to carry. Take care of you.
Thanks, Lesley. Healing has been a long but wonderful process, and fortunately I've also become efficient at stress management along the way so these things no longer take up so much space in my head and heart 🥰
Leslie, the deer image gives this essay its deepest ache: the body learns danger before it has language for fairness. You take a trail walk, a childhood encounter in the woods, and the small aftershock of passing a man on the path, then show how vigilance steals presence from a place meant to restore it. The question about simply paying attention to the trees carries more than fatigue; it carries the grief of being trained to measure beauty and threat in the same breath. Your piece gives public language to a private calculation many women make so quickly that the world barely sees the cost.
It is definitely not an experience unfamiliar to most women, sadly. And the “woods” can be anywhere.
"That would be anywhere a woman has to take inventory of her own safety." That line is the whole thing.
I was maybe ten, walking home from school, two blocks from my house. A car started driving slowly alongside me. I didn't have language for what I was feeling — I just ran to the nearest house and rang the doorbell. Nobody answered. But the car left. I got home as fast as I could.
I never forgot it. You don't forget the first time your body understands something your mind hasn't caught up to yet.
That is exactly it. Even if "nothing happened," we all have a moment where we instantly learn how entirely vulnerable we are.
Thanks for talking about this Leslie. You touch on a deeply unsettling truth when you say that women's safety is always up for grabs. I wonder how many women are able to navigate life with nothing ever happening, or at the very least finding themselves in a situation that has the potential to turn bad.
And yet we still need to live our lives, with vigilance as a constant companion.
That’s exactly it. That underlying vigilance is our constant default from a very early age.
So validating and every word true. You described it perfectly.
Thanks so much, Jo Ann. It’s pretty universal, sadly.
Leslie, I appreciated this important share. While it's a shame that we do have to be on alert always and can't just take a peaceful walk in the woods alone, it is an early fact of life.
Being NYC born and raised, I'm actually glad I was brought up with a vigilance that is always a part of me. That natural antenna that goes up. We have some lovely paths and preserves around here that I never go in alone.
The even sadder truth is that I don't think it's just women that have to be careful, we all have to be vigilant. It's that kind of world unfortunately.
You are right, Melanie. We all carry at least a little wariness concerning our own safety. Women just carry more.
So good mom
Thank you, my love.
I hate that so many of us know the thoughts and feelings you beautifully describe so intimately. 🙏🏽
Yes, another writer described it as our background software that’s always running, and I felt that description in my bones. Thanks for reading—and for providing such a lovely corner of the Substack universe where we can safely share our souls.
I wrote about a similar feeling when I metal detector by myself. I’m sharing the essay with you because I appreciate your piece, and the common ground between the two.
https://modernstrength.substack.com/p/apparitions-on-the-road-a46
I read your piece, and yes—it is another shade of my own experience—and so many other women’s too. The constant calculations we have to make out in the world become almost subconscious, even to us. Then an encounter out in the woods (or elsewhere in the world) wakes us up to the low level alertness that is always there.
This touched me deeply because it rings so true. Thank you.
Thank you, Yolanda. I wish it didn’t ring true for so many women. But I’m glad we’re talking about it.
Such a beautifully written piece about an ugly aspect of being a female in this world. I definitely felt the difference between a look and a leer before I understood the difference.
Thanks for sharing! 😘
Thanks so much, my friend. We all learn the feeling at some point, don’t we?!